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Famous People » joan rivers

Joan Rivers

  • It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
    Joan Rivers
  • It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
    Joan Rivers
  • My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
    Joan Rivers
  • My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
    Joan Rivers
  • My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
    Joan Rivers
  • Never floss with a stranger.
    Joan Rivers
  • Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
    Joan Rivers
  • People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
    Joan Rivers
  • She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
    Joan Rivers
  • Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
    Joan Rivers
  • The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
    Joan Rivers
  • The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
    Joan Rivers
  • There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
    Joan Rivers
  • Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
    Joan Rivers
  • Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
    Joan Rivers

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