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Famous People » mitch hedberg

Mitch Hedberg
  • I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
    Mitch Hedberg
    Bir hipotamus bir hipotamusmudur yoksa gerçekten serin bir opotamus mudur?
  • It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
    Mitch Hedberg
  • My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
    Mitch Hedberg
  • My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
    Mitch Hedberg
  • My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
    Mitch Hedberg
    Bu gömlek sadece kuru temizleme yapılır. Yani bu demek oluyor ki... kirli.
  • Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
    Mitch Hedberg
  • Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
    Mitch Hedberg

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