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Famous People » george carlin

George Carlin

  • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
    George Carlin
  • Always do whatever's next.
    George Carlin
  • At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
    George Carlin
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    George Carlin
  • By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
    George Carlin
  • Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
    George Carlin
  • Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
    George Carlin
  • Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
    George Carlin
  • Electricity is really just organized lightning.
    George Carlin
  • Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
    George Carlin
  • Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
    George Carlin
  • Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
    George Carlin
  • I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
    George Carlin
  • I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
    George Carlin
  • I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
    George Carlin
  • I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
    George Carlin
  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
    George Carlin
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
    George Carlin
  • I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
    George Carlin
  • I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
    George Carlin

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